HOW TO BE CZECH

Ever since I started to visit my homeland regularly I was being "discovered" as a foreigner, be it in the restaurants, shops, on the street or really anywhere. I asked my friends what's wrong with me and they told me: Lose the American garb! This was a big discovery to me. I thought I was dressed normally but I was told that my clothes are colorful and my shoes are shined. That's what gave me away. So, here is a valuable advice on How To Be Czech in 10 Easy And Not So Easy Steps for those who plan to move to Czech Republic or spent a long time there. Follow my advice and you will cease to be a foreigner or at least you will become an acceptable foreigner. Here is what to do when you want to become Czech:


1. Drink Beer
Czechs are consumers of beer. They drink far more beer per capita than any other country in the world. Czech beer is the best in the world. Czech Republic is the home of Pilsner Urquell, the first light (by color) lager in the world, the home of the real Budweiser and lot of other beers too numerous to recount here. As Czech you must drink beer and like it! You must never waste an opportunity to drink beer. Czechs drink mostly beer from tap in pubs and restaurants. Next time you are in Czech pub or restaurant try this: Take a beer coaster from a stack in the middle of the table and place it in front of you. Within several seconds there will be a beer on the coaster. You do not need to speak Czech to order beer, it's automatic! Bottled beer is not considered to be a beer but a good substitute for emergency situations. No self respecting Czech will drink beer from an aluminum can. Ever! That is a beer heresy. There are two things to remember about beer: Beer is not considered to be alcohol by Czechs, and, the small beer (12 oz.) is for Grandmas and kids.


2. Wear The Right Garb
On your next trip to Czech Republic observe regular people and what they wear. Then locate and visit your nearest Vietnamese market and buy your Czech clothes there. Men, get several T-shirts, flood pants, and sandals and fancy tennis shoes. All these clothing items must be in various shades of undeterminable color that used to be called "uniform communist grey". You will also want to mess your clothing up a little with some grease spots in strategic locations. Tear or two are helpful. During cold spells you can put on a nice black leather jacket, nothing too obvious, of course. Ladies will need to get few of the shortest skirts they can find, some sweaters and T-shirts all with deep necklines to reveal the . . . ehm . . . cleavage. High heel shoes or boots are a must. Piercing and tattoos are encouraged.


3. Personal Appearance
To fit in men need to grow long hair. Once your hair gets longer wear a pony tail. Three to four day old beard is in! For women, you cannot go wrong with a straight hair.


4. Eat Heavy Czech Food
Czech food is heavy and could be labeled unhealthy by today's standards. The origins of Czech cuisine dates back to an era when the peasants worked hard and needed heavy food but it stayed with the people until the present time. The popular staples include dumplings and heavy cream sauces. And who doesn't like roast pork with dumplings and sauerkraut? Any meal usually consists of soup, main course, and, of course, lot of beer. When visiting friends and acquaintances and a meal is served you must eat! And eat a lot! Better get used to it, you will be offered far more food than you can eat in one sitting. It is an art to politely extricate yourself out of such situations without harming your relationships. And whatever you do, you must never ever refuse to eat whatever is served, be it tripe soup, liver, hearts or kidneys. Lucky for you, during most of these friendly visits only open face sandwiches and finger food are normally served.


5. Drink Coffee
These days you are lucky, you have a choice of coffees. The traditional Turkish coffee called "turek" is still served everywhere coffee is served. Next in line is espresso called simply "preso". Then you need to try Vienna coffee, which is a watered down espresso or standard drip coffee topped with whipped cream. Latte and macchiato are also available as is mocha. Proper way to drink coffee is in the afternoon in a traditional coffee house with some cake or torte on the side.


6. Exercise in Public
These days people exercise a lot and they do it in public. To fit in you need to select at least one way to exercise in public places. Good for you that you have lot of choices. The lazy of you need to take up walking. Next is running, there are lot of people running these days, usually in scenic areas or large parks. Cycling is also very popular and so is swimming. In winter you must add skiing and skating to the list.


7. Spend Weekends in Nature
Most Czechs live in urban areas and, therefore, are looking forward to weekends outside of the city. Lot of people own small cottages (chata) or small farnhouses (chalupa) in the country. Those unlucky who do not own these weekend houses in the country either know someone who does and invite themselves or they spend weekends camping or doing just day trips. For the day trippers any castle within 50 km of a city is a good destination. There are other natural attractions within the easy reach from any city or town. Public transportation is excellent and relatively cheap so you have no excuse. At the very least take a train to a small town or village and go to the woods for a walk and then drink beer in a local pub.


8. Carry a Book
Czechs like to read and you will observe that lot of people carry a book with them anywhere they go. Try this, go to your local park and read in the shade of a tree.


9. Learn History
Take time to learn the history of the Czech Lands. The traditional lands forming Czech Republic are Bohemia, Moravia, and southern Silesia. Learn the major events in the Czech history from the sixth century when the first Czechs came to the area of today's Czech Republic.


10. Learn the Language
Czech is the most difficult language in the world for a foreigner non-Slav to learn. But lucky for you Czech is fully phonetic language meaning that you pronounce all the letters you see and the pronunciation is regular. This is the only regular feature of the language. Everything else is mostly irregular. Despite all of this you need to learn the basic sentences. Czechs will appreciate that you made the effort and it will give them the opportunity to make little bit of fun of your pronunciation, all in good spirit, of course.